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There is more than just us out there

12 Nov

Trevor

Trevor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently I experienced something all fathers would dread, at just a week shy of four months old, my son Trevor passed from SID’s (Sudden infant death syndrome). It was by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, but it has given me an experience to learn from. I remember the day like it was yesterday racing to the hospital, watching the doctors and nurses desperately try to revive his small body. I remember touching his face after he had passed when we were able to hold him, brushing his cheek which always used to get him to smile, just hoping that he would wake up and this terrible nightmare would truly be just a nightmare. Sitting there holding him, just wishing I could his smiling face once more, his cute coo for just one more time.

The next days were a daze going through funeral preparations, coordinating and trying to grieve all at the same time was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it better was having such strong support from so many friends, family and co workers to whom I am deeply grateful to. It was ironic because you always want to do so much to help that person but more than anything just being there helped in such a strong way. A lot of my friends don’t deal with emotion well but just having them there spoke volumes and truly helped and for that I am grateful.

Throughout the experience I think the hardest part for me was carrying his small casket to the hearse and then to the grave site. Throughout the entire event I was most inspired by the ending, from the hearse to his final resting place. Let me tell you why, it took me sometime to realize this, because I had been in such a big daze I hadn’t noticed a lot of things. Anyways, I remember his grandfather and I pulling his casket from the back of the hearse, during which the sky was black and cloudy with almost no wind. As we walked to the small gravesite and placed him on the ground the wind suddenly picked up and shortly thereafter rain.

During the service everyone stood there almost to shocked that he was gone to even flinch. Cold, rain and leaves flying around his small casket from the strong wings created a certain feeling of turbulence only matched by the hearts of those standing around so somber. As the preacher finished his service we were asked once again to step forward and lower his casket. We began to lower his casket and as soon as it touched the ground, almost as quick as it had started raining, it stopped. The events were amazing, as soon as the casket touched the ground the sky had cleared and a warming ray of sunlight shown down on us and the wind had died completely.

It truly has shown me that God was there, that there was a purpose for all this. That despite the tears I had swelling in my eyes watching the grave be filled, there really was a greater purpose at work. Why? I don’t know, nor will I ever. That’s fine, but knowing that something bigger was there taking place and that God had been there to watch over my son was the biggest encouragement ever. It had taken sometime to realize this, after being in such a daze. I had realized all of the events but I just hadn’t put it together fully until somebody else mentioned how crazy it was. Some may rack it up to coincidence, but others know it was much more than just a coincidence.

my lovesWhile Trevor was alive he had inspired me to be so much more. He had made me want to make a life together as a family and a home. He had been able to really complete me, to fill a hole that I needed filled. I had wanted to become better, make more of myself so that he could be proud of me. Now that is gone that inspiration has only grown, it has made me want to complete my goals in his name and it has given me more inspiration and drive than I could ever ask for. His mother and I are still together and stronger than ever having gone through this experience together and in the future eventually plan on having another child.

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Updates on my son Kylar

4 Dec

So yeah took my son back home here this last Sunday. Its crazy he is about to be two here in a couple months but he is already acting like a punk little two year old. Its great though the other day Kylar was running around and kept smacking into shat and of course Grandma’s freaking out like, “Oh Kylar are you alright”. Of course he looks at her like, “Get off me, I’m a boy I can take it!” I love it though thats how I know hes my son, not afraid of getting hurt and well stubborn do it my way whether I find out the hard way or not its my way.

He’s learning so many new words, just the other day I taught him to say dude! He’s getting everything down really good, knows all his animals, colors among other things. Plus he is already almost potty trained although sometimes he says “Poddy”, after he already went. Don’t worry though we are working on it. He already eats everything on his own with silverware and sometimes with thee additional help of hand from time to time. Can’t fault him though he does good. I am surprised though he loves helping us out with anything were doing. He will always run up to me when I am putting my clothes away, washing dishes or something like that and be like, “Help, Help?!” I know that wasn’t something that I did a lot of when I was younger but I guess its good as long as it stays that way.

He doesn’t fight bed or should I say hasn’t been until like the last two nights for some reason he didn’t want to go to sleep. He puts all his toys away when time without even being asked! Shocked the F out of me. He absolutely loves trucks, tractors and cars so I got him one of the little mini jeeps that has the gas pedals for reverse and forward and a little engine compartment he can play in. I guess it only goes 2.5mph but we’ll see what dad can do to fix that lol. I was wanted to go fast and I know he does so well have to find some nitro or something like that for it. I almost gave it to him early just because I know how much he is going to love it. My friends mom got him a hockey net and two sticks so definitely gonna be working on teaching how to play some puck here next time he comes down.

Its funny though cause me and him have been wrestling, and I been teaching him some brazilian jujitsu moves. Course he doesn’t really understand it he just thinks we are wrestling but I love it anyways because he likes playing rough and isn’t afraid of smacking his head around a little. Course I don’t ever let him get hurt while we are wrestling so don’t think that I am torturing him its not like that. What else, hmmm….

Iono,…. I have high, high hopes for him I can see him going so far. He comprehends things so quickly and understands more than most the three year olds that are in my mothers daycare I take him to when I am at work. I am proud as hell of him and can’t wait to see how the next couple years pan out. Plus I can’t wait till he starts dating just gonna be breaking hearts for sure. Plus I’m buying his first car and we are going to make that thing a beast! So you know the girls will be all about it.

Can I get ahead?!

1 Dec

Yeah so the weekend went well, had fun and Thanksgiving was great. So I go to take my son home last night to Ohio from Michigan. I start driving everythings cool get three and a half hours into a four hour journey when my car breaks down over heated. Yeah, but guess this that isn’t the worst part, I had gotten this car no more than 6 days ago. I had a Chevy Lumina which putzed out me, it had 270,000 miles so I don’t blame the old girl. Anyways I went last wednesday and picked this car up and it was already acting by the sixth day?! So it breaks down on the 75 south in Lima, Ohio. I am sitting there waiting for babies momma to come and get my son since I wasn’t going to be able to make it all the way down to where she was at and then I finally get it started for all of five minutes just to drive just close enough to see the exit but never get off the highway. So then babies momma gets there with her boy toy and he has diagnostic equipment which reads out that it has a cylinder five and six misfire which is probably the ignition coil and then also a low voltage in the tempature wire which I am not sure what that is but either way the thing wouldn’t start again so I ended up having to call my parents at 6pm to come and get me. It took them four hours to get there meanwhile I am wandering aimlessly in Wal Mart just trying to find something to do. Not to mention that yesterday in Michigan it decided to blizzard. So my mom finally gets there at like 9:30pm and I have to drive the entire way back in this crappy blizzard with idiot drivers which took over four hours didn’t reach home until 2:30am and now I am back at work writing about this horrid ordeal. Oh and around 8:30pm my phones battery decided to die on me to so then I couldn’t even talk to friends. lol, crazy crazy!

Coming down to the wire!!!

30 Oct

Yeah so early voting has already started and voting is about to begin so don’t forget to get out there and let your voice be heard! So things been going pretty good for me, tomorrow is Halloween and dang its supposed to be off the hook!! Plus I get my son the 2nd of November, I miss his the little punk, lol. Kidding only kidding people. Got a new pic of him while he was in Ohio with his mother that she sent me.
Ky and his antlers

Work is good same old I guess, but I have an interview with another company called “Bankers Life and Casualty”, not sure what they are all about or whether I am really that interested but I at least check it out. Also got a job offer from Kellogs, so that could be interesting for the brand marketing position, I went ahead and sent my resume to them. Still working on getting some things into place for my company. After I get my company ready to go I will be working only part time at the job I am right now then I will be working my company as well. Ah starting school soon to, I am actually ready excited to go to school! Kind of ironic but I actually want to learn more about marketing plus I applied to a MTV for a marketing position. Unfortunately they said the only thing that was keeping me from having the position was that I didn’t have a degree. So off to school to get that degree! Two jobs, 3/4 school sounds so overwhelming to me but I am sure I can do it so no worries!

Obama McCain! Huge issue

16 Oct

Up to this in the presidential election I have decided to just outline information being said, enough of that. After watching the 3rd Presidential debate I am done being objective. I sick and tired of seeing nothing more than McCain sit there and bash Obama. On his tv ads, in debates at rallies where protestors regularly yelled things like “terrorist” and “Kill him”?! Who in the right mind for presidency can allow something like that to happen at their own debates then say that they are going to run the good campaign. McCain you are a liar and manipulate information for the sole purpose of winning a campaign that will support the very things you denounce.

If you look into any of their ads you Obama attacking McCains plans and budgets, however if you look into McCains ads all you see is McCain and his campaign attacking obama as a person rather than focusing what should be focused on here, the issues. This shows a lot for the type of person that McCain is and to me it is really getting annoying. While watching the debate I constantly found myself thinking “Shut the f up McCain!” because he would not let Mr. Obama finish. It is frustrating to see someone try to speak and cover issues while somebody else is constantly “Oh well he this and he that.” Screw that stick to the fricking issues.

I don’t know about everyone else but I am sick and tired of McCain. I have looked into each one of these peoples allegations and budget plans and McCain constantly tries to twist issues to suite his purposes. Take for example in McCains ads where he states that Mr. Obama wants to raise taxes. Bad right everyone would be like, “Raise taxes!” sending up all kinds of red flags but he doesn’t mention is that he only wants to raise taxes on 5% of Americas population. Raise taxes on the millionaires not cut their taxes like McCain wants to, why do people making that kind of money need help? Think about it, their already getting millions and I sure don’t see them redispersing that wealth around to help people while they stomp out what competition there maybe so the government has to because no one else the power to!

Watch the debate here is a link to it if you haven’t already seen it and you will see what I am talking about. From now on I am reporting every issue and I will find the facts and post them here because the facts support Obama and because I am tired hearing all these lies that McCain brings up. The way that he fabricates all this information to try to make it look good on him.

McCain says that Obama supports billions in government spending, yes, spending on investing in our future for things like alternative energies, healthcare and education. It is the same ideal as paying for college crazy to pay that much but you have a better chance of a good job afterwards.

Bottom line Obama continually outlines his ideas, while McCain doesn’t only attacking Obama’s. Its annoying and I hope everyone that is tired of this starts speaking out in their blogs and everyother possible spot where this can be seen. If you believe the way I believe paste a link from your page to mine or copy thee entire post and put it up in your blog I don’t care but I am tired of hearing this crap and everyone needs to do something about it instead of sitting idle by!

Heres the link

Related articles:
John Lewis’s comments
Sarah Palins rallies comments against Obama
Script of 3rd debate in New York
McCains ad saying obama will raise taxes, but this is where Obama voted for higher taxes on the rich

McCains ad saying Obama wants to cut funding to troops, because he wants them home!
In this website about 42 out of 42 were nothing more than attacks.

Here is the link to all of McCains ads Oh and if you will notice at the top of the page who is the page paid for and supporting? Exactly my point nothing more than attacks in desperation things they try to accuse Obama of when they are the hypocrites!

Good ad through youtube check it out for Obama

Another ad supporting Obama not mentioning John McCain once amazing somebody concerned with the issues

An Inspirational ad where again McCain was not mentioned wow!!

Sad, very sad what mother would say things?!

14 Oct

So I got a call the other day and it was from my ex. Before I go any farther I should say that me and my ex currently share equal custody of our son. She lives in OH and I live in MI, I get him every other month right now. Anyways she calls me up crying. I was like, “Oh god what happened?” She began by saying she was so frustrated, hated life, etc. Then she astonished me by telling me that my son, her son, our son was a mistake?! That she regreted having him because all he does is cry. I am sorry but he is never like that with me, to be honest I think its because she doesn’t give him that much attention so he cries until he gets her attention. Right now he is one and a half. Anyways she goes on tell me that she doesn’t want him anymore and is getting pissed at him etc. I almost didn’t know what to say, I was astonished that she would ever say anything like that.

It didn’t surprise me though, the only reason for justifying her arguments were I can’t take it, he won’t stop crying and I just want to be able to go out and do whatever I want, whenever I want. It really disappointed me because I thought she was making progress in growing up which had been her failing point when we were together. It was sad, I never ever will regret my son he is the best thing that happened to me but I regret having him with her. I wished I had been more wise in my decision to have him with her, wish I had chosen my partner more wisely. Instead now he must suffer. Yes if you were wondering she is dating but that is not the problem, the other guy doesn’t have a problem with Ky and I have made very clear that he can discipline him but to never take it the extreme! Anyways its her its always been like this the wind blows and she follows. To the point that she once went through four cars within a year, not just cars but brand new cars.

After rambling for a while to me I finally interceded, I offered to gladly take him and she would never have to deal with him again. It hurt me to say it and know why she didn’t want him. How am I to ever tell my son his mom thought he was mistake. I never will, I would just tell him your mom had some growing up to do, but I know the questions will come as he grows like “Where’s mommy” and I hope I never have to hear it but I hope he never asks “why doesn’t mommy love me?” I feel like I failed him, like responsible. There was nothing I could do, I never knew how she was until after we had the child. Everything was great before we had the child and then it went to hell all of a sudden. She had the baby needed attention which mine everyday should’ve been enough but for her she was always a social fanatic and craved the approval of others and she found it by working at a bar. I am not going into it any further but I have a post about that if you want to check it out.

So anyways I told her no matter how frustrated you get Do not hit or hurt him! I have offered billions of times to just take him completely, but she always says no until now. She hasn’t fully agreed to let me take him but it would be for the best because I know they scream at each other while he cries and I am sure he catches some of it to especially when they are frustrated and he is crying because they’re yelling. Right now he goes home to her knowing ten to fifteen new words that he didn’t before but he comes back to me knowing only the same words. I once asked her “Do you ever try to teach him?” She responded thats what school is for. It disgusted me because I want my son to be the best and I don’t force him when he comes to me with a book in his hand I drop what I am doing and read it to him sometimes I can’t always but if I can’t I always go get him as soon as I can.

Plus my mother has been a pre kindergarten teacher and younger child teacher for her entire life and she constantly works with him. Its not a thing of forcing him though so don’t get those perceptions. We work with him when he wants to, if he starts whining and wants to go play we let him go play. I am not one of those psycho freaks but I want my son to be ahead and never have to struggle. Plus I am not really to worried about it cause I can already tell he is smart, he grasps things so quickly. Plus I don’t have a girlfriend nor plan on having for a long time, I am more focused on my career and getting to where I need to be to provide for his every need. I will install value into him to, he is not going to be spoiled but he will be very well taken care of. I see my father, with his current financial situation living day to day and it kills me because I can’t support my mom him and myself on my salary right now and thats why I making sure that I will always be well off now before I get to old and get stuck working some dead end job. Not me never.

So yeah, needless to say I am disgusted and disappointed that she could ever say that about him but not surprised nor mad. Its almost like she can’t help it she has always had a lack of responsibility. I am just hoping she will say take I don’t want him anymore he’s yours… It will be hard, but I’m a man and a father and I will sacrifice my social life because I don’t care I always have friends that will be there for me if I need them. It just dawned on me the difference between me and her, maturity and confidence… I have self confidence something she has never had. It seems like she is just so worried about her social life and losing her friends than her son plus maturity too.

Updates to pages

10 Oct

So as you said before I decided to go with pages from now with any posts that do not fit on the first page. Below are links to all archived pages with categories to make things easier to view and more organized hope it helps.

Work
Entertainment
Morals & Ethics
My Interests & Hobbies
My Son

Politics
Quotes

Relationships

Some of the pages are pretty rough, right now I am just trying to get them into the right format and mapped correctly then I will finish working on the content. Thanks to everyone that does read them though I appreciate it!