Tag Archives: life

When you lose something it makes you realize what you should’ve done!

25 Nov

I am a fortunate person, throughout the last six years I have done more than most will ever dream of doing. Some things I regret, some you wish you could take back and others were positive. I have seen the world, seen the lifes and relationships of so many. Seen how deceitful and treacherous love can be. I have seen the dead float in Hurricane Katrinas aftermath and seen how lives change when offered a simple helping hand. Out of all of this has come some great lessons, by far the most important one that I have learned is how to treat a girl right, how to love. I contribute this lesson to the loss of a very special person to me, someone I love deeply and always will for being such a big part of my life for so long when she should’ve given up long ago.

I guess you could say I was a partier, socialite from the time I was in high school for some time up until a couple years after being in the Navy. During this time I never cared what a girl thought or how she felt, never truly ever treated a girl how she should be treated and for that I deeply regret. I had been to caught up in partying, being with random girls and this sort of fake sense of status that didn’t really matter. Until this point I had never really been official with anyone, dated had fun but never really took on an official dating approach. I would always get to bored after a couple weeks or so and move on. For a while, I had a saying that I swore by, “Every girl is the one, until the next one comes along.” All of that changed when I met this one girl, a girl who will go unnamed but knows who she is.

Yes, this girl was very different from the rest, in so many small ways she intrigued me and kept me interested. It was the fact that I could tell she didn’t mean to do these small things it was just who she was. Throughout our relationship things were great, and yes I had been bitten by the “Love bug”. During the time when things started to get serious there small things that I just couldn’t let go and for maybe a lack of better words didn’t know how to let go. I remember times where she had cried for me to just spend some time pleading desperately to just stay with her. At the time I was so consumed with being around friends that I ignored it thinking it was her being over dramatic. Looking back I realized that the one person who wanted only my love and affection was also someone I turned my back on. I realized that I had been such a huge jerk, that had I been responsible realized my friends can wait and will always be there I would’ve gladly given her that time.

My own selfishness had hurt the one true person that I had ever cared and loved. After realizing this sometime after I felt so badly but there was no way to make it up to her by then. The pain of me turning my back on her had been far to great and I had waited far to long to man up and realize what was going on. Eventually we became friends, as hard as it is to let go of a love I had to. I could no longer ask her to try being us when I know that I had hurt her so badly that she could never really ever look at me in the same way as she had before. It was a pivotal life lesson, that while it hurts me so much to say I had to learn.

Everybody eventually wants a girl/guy who will treat them right, love them and to grow old with and learning this lesson has shown me how to treat that girl. It has shown me how to let go of superficial and take responsibility for a relationship if I ever want to be truly happy. I have had a completely new approach on relationships since then and I have taken some flack for not being the “Tom Bird” that doesn’t care. Either way it doesn’t matter I know who I am and I know I’m making the right choices for me. I never want to be the person to claim to love someone and still treat them like that ever again.

There is more than just us out there

12 Nov

Trevor

Trevor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently I experienced something all fathers would dread, at just a week shy of four months old, my son Trevor passed from SID’s (Sudden infant death syndrome). It was by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, but it has given me an experience to learn from. I remember the day like it was yesterday racing to the hospital, watching the doctors and nurses desperately try to revive his small body. I remember touching his face after he had passed when we were able to hold him, brushing his cheek which always used to get him to smile, just hoping that he would wake up and this terrible nightmare would truly be just a nightmare. Sitting there holding him, just wishing I could his smiling face once more, his cute coo for just one more time.

The next days were a daze going through funeral preparations, coordinating and trying to grieve all at the same time was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it better was having such strong support from so many friends, family and co workers to whom I am deeply grateful to. It was ironic because you always want to do so much to help that person but more than anything just being there helped in such a strong way. A lot of my friends don’t deal with emotion well but just having them there spoke volumes and truly helped and for that I am grateful.

Throughout the experience I think the hardest part for me was carrying his small casket to the hearse and then to the grave site. Throughout the entire event I was most inspired by the ending, from the hearse to his final resting place. Let me tell you why, it took me sometime to realize this, because I had been in such a big daze I hadn’t noticed a lot of things. Anyways, I remember his grandfather and I pulling his casket from the back of the hearse, during which the sky was black and cloudy with almost no wind. As we walked to the small gravesite and placed him on the ground the wind suddenly picked up and shortly thereafter rain.

During the service everyone stood there almost to shocked that he was gone to even flinch. Cold, rain and leaves flying around his small casket from the strong wings created a certain feeling of turbulence only matched by the hearts of those standing around so somber. As the preacher finished his service we were asked once again to step forward and lower his casket. We began to lower his casket and as soon as it touched the ground, almost as quick as it had started raining, it stopped. The events were amazing, as soon as the casket touched the ground the sky had cleared and a warming ray of sunlight shown down on us and the wind had died completely.

It truly has shown me that God was there, that there was a purpose for all this. That despite the tears I had swelling in my eyes watching the grave be filled, there really was a greater purpose at work. Why? I don’t know, nor will I ever. That’s fine, but knowing that something bigger was there taking place and that God had been there to watch over my son was the biggest encouragement ever. It had taken sometime to realize this, after being in such a daze. I had realized all of the events but I just hadn’t put it together fully until somebody else mentioned how crazy it was. Some may rack it up to coincidence, but others know it was much more than just a coincidence.

my lovesWhile Trevor was alive he had inspired me to be so much more. He had made me want to make a life together as a family and a home. He had been able to really complete me, to fill a hole that I needed filled. I had wanted to become better, make more of myself so that he could be proud of me. Now that is gone that inspiration has only grown, it has made me want to complete my goals in his name and it has given me more inspiration and drive than I could ever ask for. His mother and I are still together and stronger than ever having gone through this experience together and in the future eventually plan on having another child.

Rock The Vote

3 Apr

Hey everyone,
So it is my firm belief that it is truly everyones responsibility to help make this world a better place and that can only happen by taking part in the effort. It is our duty to uphold our law makers and politicians to the promises that they have made. There is one great organization called Rock The vote. I have been following this organization for a little over a year and they really come up with some great things.

Rock the vote has become a meeting ground online for people express and share their concerns over the tomorrow that is to come. It has become a place where those concerned with the pressing times of the current recession can come and voice their opinions. It is this voice that is needed and will have great impacts on our lives, but we need those voices and we need people to speak up.

While a senator may not listen to one voice, one email or one letter, if millions send him one each they will be forced to listen! Thats what Rock The Vote does, they organize and give direction. Just imagine a million letters pouring into to one single persons desk with a single message with direct objectives it would unignorable!

This our country, our children’s and grand children’s country. What will we hand over to them? A country torn by poverty and chaos which is slowing becoming reality or a world where they want to be. It is our duty and I strongly encourage you to check out the site, join. Don’t participate at first thats fine, but Rock The Vote presents a lot of good points and opinions which I believe will compel you to participate eventually.

rock the vote

Bored, just some creative writing rather doodles lol

25 Nov

Ready for life, ready for what comes my way
Each step is a new day
Unafraid to tackle what others won’t try
Doesn’t matter why
Taking steps into the future
Where it leads I am unsure
Doesn’t matter though because this is real
No bs, no lies, just deal
Hard times come but there is always the other side
One thing that I will never be denied
Others may to trample my success
But to me its just another test
Just more fuel for me to throw in your face
More fuel for me to reach my place
My goals, my life will never be dampered by the words of others
I will walk and I will succeed so while your laughing I’m still looking behind
Cause your going nowhere fast are you blind
Laugh cause your still in the same mess while I make something of myself
Apparently content has become the new medium versus wealth
Apparently you would rather sit there than strive for more
Rather sit there than open up new doors
So live life fearful of whats around the corner and over the hill
Life your life miserable and unfulfilled
Cause when I’m the other side you’ll see what you miss
And all because of your ignorance
Got no one to blame but you
Sad but you still don’t even realize its true
Its alright though cause my heart is strong and I am persistent
Persistent in that I may fail but never stop trying constant
Where I fall I learn and where I learn I make progress
This is how I know I’ll be standing atop that hill looking down on your selfishness
Look around at your stigma you create
Look around at the world you hate
Never had to be like that if you had only been stronger
If you had only been diligent a little longer
Had not always taken the easy way out
Never be afraid of the untraveled route
You see more than others who have never been
Stop the struggle again
Its our world but my time and faith is what I have to push me farther than before
Faith that does not let me ignore
Faith that keeps my goals first and content last
Faith that keeps me from dwelling on my past
Faith in myself and my ability to be great
Faith that will decide my fate

Coming down to the wire!!!

30 Oct

Yeah so early voting has already started and voting is about to begin so don’t forget to get out there and let your voice be heard! So things been going pretty good for me, tomorrow is Halloween and dang its supposed to be off the hook!! Plus I get my son the 2nd of November, I miss his the little punk, lol. Kidding only kidding people. Got a new pic of him while he was in Ohio with his mother that she sent me.
Ky and his antlers

Work is good same old I guess, but I have an interview with another company called “Bankers Life and Casualty”, not sure what they are all about or whether I am really that interested but I at least check it out. Also got a job offer from Kellogs, so that could be interesting for the brand marketing position, I went ahead and sent my resume to them. Still working on getting some things into place for my company. After I get my company ready to go I will be working only part time at the job I am right now then I will be working my company as well. Ah starting school soon to, I am actually ready excited to go to school! Kind of ironic but I actually want to learn more about marketing plus I applied to a MTV for a marketing position. Unfortunately they said the only thing that was keeping me from having the position was that I didn’t have a degree. So off to school to get that degree! Two jobs, 3/4 school sounds so overwhelming to me but I am sure I can do it so no worries!

Sad, very sad what mother would say things?!

14 Oct

So I got a call the other day and it was from my ex. Before I go any farther I should say that me and my ex currently share equal custody of our son. She lives in OH and I live in MI, I get him every other month right now. Anyways she calls me up crying. I was like, “Oh god what happened?” She began by saying she was so frustrated, hated life, etc. Then she astonished me by telling me that my son, her son, our son was a mistake?! That she regreted having him because all he does is cry. I am sorry but he is never like that with me, to be honest I think its because she doesn’t give him that much attention so he cries until he gets her attention. Right now he is one and a half. Anyways she goes on tell me that she doesn’t want him anymore and is getting pissed at him etc. I almost didn’t know what to say, I was astonished that she would ever say anything like that.

It didn’t surprise me though, the only reason for justifying her arguments were I can’t take it, he won’t stop crying and I just want to be able to go out and do whatever I want, whenever I want. It really disappointed me because I thought she was making progress in growing up which had been her failing point when we were together. It was sad, I never ever will regret my son he is the best thing that happened to me but I regret having him with her. I wished I had been more wise in my decision to have him with her, wish I had chosen my partner more wisely. Instead now he must suffer. Yes if you were wondering she is dating but that is not the problem, the other guy doesn’t have a problem with Ky and I have made very clear that he can discipline him but to never take it the extreme! Anyways its her its always been like this the wind blows and she follows. To the point that she once went through four cars within a year, not just cars but brand new cars.

After rambling for a while to me I finally interceded, I offered to gladly take him and she would never have to deal with him again. It hurt me to say it and know why she didn’t want him. How am I to ever tell my son his mom thought he was mistake. I never will, I would just tell him your mom had some growing up to do, but I know the questions will come as he grows like “Where’s mommy” and I hope I never have to hear it but I hope he never asks “why doesn’t mommy love me?” I feel like I failed him, like responsible. There was nothing I could do, I never knew how she was until after we had the child. Everything was great before we had the child and then it went to hell all of a sudden. She had the baby needed attention which mine everyday should’ve been enough but for her she was always a social fanatic and craved the approval of others and she found it by working at a bar. I am not going into it any further but I have a post about that if you want to check it out.

So anyways I told her no matter how frustrated you get Do not hit or hurt him! I have offered billions of times to just take him completely, but she always says no until now. She hasn’t fully agreed to let me take him but it would be for the best because I know they scream at each other while he cries and I am sure he catches some of it to especially when they are frustrated and he is crying because they’re yelling. Right now he goes home to her knowing ten to fifteen new words that he didn’t before but he comes back to me knowing only the same words. I once asked her “Do you ever try to teach him?” She responded thats what school is for. It disgusted me because I want my son to be the best and I don’t force him when he comes to me with a book in his hand I drop what I am doing and read it to him sometimes I can’t always but if I can’t I always go get him as soon as I can.

Plus my mother has been a pre kindergarten teacher and younger child teacher for her entire life and she constantly works with him. Its not a thing of forcing him though so don’t get those perceptions. We work with him when he wants to, if he starts whining and wants to go play we let him go play. I am not one of those psycho freaks but I want my son to be ahead and never have to struggle. Plus I am not really to worried about it cause I can already tell he is smart, he grasps things so quickly. Plus I don’t have a girlfriend nor plan on having for a long time, I am more focused on my career and getting to where I need to be to provide for his every need. I will install value into him to, he is not going to be spoiled but he will be very well taken care of. I see my father, with his current financial situation living day to day and it kills me because I can’t support my mom him and myself on my salary right now and thats why I making sure that I will always be well off now before I get to old and get stuck working some dead end job. Not me never.

So yeah, needless to say I am disgusted and disappointed that she could ever say that about him but not surprised nor mad. Its almost like she can’t help it she has always had a lack of responsibility. I am just hoping she will say take I don’t want him anymore he’s yours… It will be hard, but I’m a man and a father and I will sacrifice my social life because I don’t care I always have friends that will be there for me if I need them. It just dawned on me the difference between me and her, maturity and confidence… I have self confidence something she has never had. It seems like she is just so worried about her social life and losing her friends than her son plus maturity too.

Surfing, Nothing better, free, alone, peaceful!

10 Oct

Quicksilver surf team
So why is it I love surfing so much? Well for way to many reasons to explain. Its like after a hard days work running out into the water and jumping onto the board feeling the cool water hit your body is so refreshing. Paddle out into the ocean leaving everything else behind is one of a kind. Its almost like when your out there no one else can bother you, not the world, my friends, my enemies, nothing just you and the water. I know that sounds corny but its true, there is nothing else like it.

I think its a lifestyle, one that most will never embrace. A lifestyle with no cares and just being chill going with the flow. Not being afraid to step out of line and a general unattached sense. Sort of an uncaring, willing to let everything just brush off your shoulder not concerned with everybodies fast paced lives and everything else that goes with that. Its a life of leisure and carelessness, just having fun and where ever you go is where you go. Not knowing what is next and not caring that every detail of your life is not planned. One of the guys off the Quicksilver Surf team put it best when said, “If you live life out of a book, you’ll never have fun.” So true!
White pic
I could be happy in some shanty with a board and the beach as my backyard. Nothing else would matter, of course some food and I guess if I had to a job… Other than that I could be pleased with just that, it would be even better if it was out in Cali or Hawaii or Fiji or something like that, but I would settle for Cape Hatteras North Carolina if I had to.

I miss it so much, now I live in Michigan and yeah there is not really any surf unless you want to have icicles hanging from your hair lol. Sad but true I guess the only time Grand Haven, MI gets good waves is when it is freezing cold. 😦
Billabong Surf