Recently I experienced something all fathers would dread, at just a week shy of four months old, my son Trevor passed from SID’s (Sudden infant death syndrome). It was by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, but it has given me an experience to learn from. I remember the day like it was yesterday racing to the hospital, watching the doctors and nurses desperately try to revive his small body. I remember touching his face after he had passed when we were able to hold him, brushing his cheek which always used to get him to smile, just hoping that he would wake up and this terrible nightmare would truly be just a nightmare. Sitting there holding him, just wishing I could his smiling face once more, his cute coo for just one more time.
The next days were a daze going through funeral preparations, coordinating and trying to grieve all at the same time was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it better was having such strong support from so many friends, family and co workers to whom I am deeply grateful to. It was ironic because you always want to do so much to help that person but more than anything just being there helped in such a strong way. A lot of my friends don’t deal with emotion well but just having them there spoke volumes and truly helped and for that I am grateful.
Throughout the experience I think the hardest part for me was carrying his small casket to the hearse and then to the grave site. Throughout the entire event I was most inspired by the ending, from the hearse to his final resting place. Let me tell you why, it took me sometime to realize this, because I had been in such a big daze I hadn’t noticed a lot of things. Anyways, I remember his grandfather and I pulling his casket from the back of the hearse, during which the sky was black and cloudy with almost no wind. As we walked to the small gravesite and placed him on the ground the wind suddenly picked up and shortly thereafter rain.
During the service everyone stood there almost to shocked that he was gone to even flinch. Cold, rain and leaves flying around his small casket from the strong wings created a certain feeling of turbulence only matched by the hearts of those standing around so somber. As the preacher finished his service we were asked once again to step forward and lower his casket. We began to lower his casket and as soon as it touched the ground, almost as quick as it had started raining, it stopped. The events were amazing, as soon as the casket touched the ground the sky had cleared and a warming ray of sunlight shown down on us and the wind had died completely.
It truly has shown me that God was there, that there was a purpose for all this. That despite the tears I had swelling in my eyes watching the grave be filled, there really was a greater purpose at work. Why? I don’t know, nor will I ever. That’s fine, but knowing that something bigger was there taking place and that God had been there to watch over my son was the biggest encouragement ever. It had taken sometime to realize this, after being in such a daze. I had realized all of the events but I just hadn’t put it together fully until somebody else mentioned how crazy it was. Some may rack it up to coincidence, but others know it was much more than just a coincidence.
While Trevor was alive he had inspired me to be so much more. He had made me want to make a life together as a family and a home. He had been able to really complete me, to fill a hole that I needed filled. I had wanted to become better, make more of myself so that he could be proud of me. Now that is gone that inspiration has only grown, it has made me want to complete my goals in his name and it has given me more inspiration and drive than I could ever ask for. His mother and I are still together and stronger than ever having gone through this experience together and in the future eventually plan on having another child.